I do not like this thought upon waking: "Wow. I should definitely have SHUT UP way way sooner than I did last night." I am not sure if that feeling is made better or worse in instances where I went to bed already thinking, "Wow. I should really have shut up." I would like to say that I am a person with patience, someone who has a sense of decorum, someone you might describe as graceful. I would like to be charismatic and energetic enough to win people over to my way of thinking. I would like to be described as effective.
Instead, I sat at a birthday party for my friend last night, drinking too much beer, eating food that I didn't want, yelling about the failure-to-workings of my office. Saying things like, "I'm glad to be leaving," when I really meant, "I'm still frustrated that I haven't done all I could to MAKE it work." The faces of the people I was talking to SHOULD have shut me up. They were reflecting an impatient, imprudent, impudent, cad. A complainer. A psycho. Though I had no choice, it was a real act of bravery for me to rise from bed this morning. It was made no easier by the fact that I was lucky enough to be perfectly spooned against ncd's back and drooling all over his freckles.
I was so happy sleeping. Sleeping transformed a guy who was one of my main stressors yesterday back into the beloved. After all, if her were not so near and dear to my heart, he would not have the ability to be such a pressing source of anxiety, right? Gosh, makes you want to write a love song, right? Something along the lines of "you put my sanity and self image in a garbage compressor just to test it's metal..." I know--pure genius.
So that was Tuesday. Tuesday is normally quite calming what with its being yoga day and all, but when that is what happens when you ditch yoga for drinks.
Have abandoned this post, but thought I should post what I have and then I'll start afresh this week. I think that should be the theme of this week: start afresh...again and again and again if necessary (and it will be).
7pm tonight I'm supposed to meet "the Crew" people at Boca Chica in STP because Sarah Perry is in town. Was in an organizational mood and ready to keep up the 3-week tradition of listening to a stack of records and seeing what it produces, but I'll gladly ditch that for a margarita and SPerry.
ncd is at the MOA with his class today. b went with. I really wish I could see that. Just before his birthday, one of ncd's students asked him if he was going to bring cupcakes and he said he didn't think so, but anything was possible. Said student then went to ncd and said, "Your brother's bringing us cupcakes for his bday." So amused was b that he did, in fact, bring in cupcakes later that week. Ha-sucka!
And for now I'll leave you with this image: last night, I didn't go to sleep until just after 1 am when I finally put down my book, Crispin, after finishing the last of the beer I was drinking. Is that wrong? It felt grrreat!
Found out yesterday that Michael went with my misunderstanding. When I originally wrote him the note telling him we'd probably have to move out (this was at the beg. of May), I stated that we'd be leaving at the end of July. ncd informed me that our lease is up at the end of June, but when we talked to Michael yesterday, he said he was counting on the end of July. This is good in many ways (buys us all some time, for example), but makes the end of July/beginning of August ridiculously busy.
Happy Monday. I cannot believe it is only the time it is.
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you know, in a city where iceel like true bonding comes mostly in the for. Of comiseration, I gotta say that you prolly sounded as less wanksrishthan you felt while complaining. Some people, that's all they do: Bitch. Moan. Groan. Gripe. Complain. Andthe rest of us nod & encourage. Sometimes it's too much to take full responsibility and just suck up our losses, tromping through the emotional jungle of coulda-woulda-shouldas. I feel the same way about school. But we must remember. Anyone else in our positions woulda prolly given up mid-stream and said "F this!" So the best of you didnt shine at this table on this particular night. Happens to be part of being a rationalizing being who sees all angles even as we're speaking from one of those angles specifically. We get tired. And occasionally speak to that fatigue.
I respond to this part of the post first cause I had a similar experience last week at work. Everyone thought I was nuts but not really. I just thought they did. They were just surprised to see me w/o a smile. At least that's what I tell myself. Really tho, I feel your angst in these moments. Like why is it so hard to express my true feelings on something in a way that comes across as rationally as it sounds in my head?
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